Thanks :)

Hey ya'll :) It's been awhile since I wrote. Let me explain… We've had some "bad" weather here in Virginia Beach. "Bad" weather =4 inches of snow. I personally LOVE snow. It's so pretty, and the idea of a snow day is pretty much heaven for me. Hanging around with the people I love, fireplace going, coffee, kids coming in with rosy cheeks, seriously! Does
it get any better? As much as I LOVE snow I don't like to play in it. I just like to look at it's prettyness from my kitchen window while I spend the day baking bread. :) So, because of said snow a bunch of my regular classes were cancelled.  If any of my Philly peeps are reading this right now you're probably laughing your frozen butts off… as for my Maine peeps, you probably aren't reading this because you're buried under a snow bank somewhere. But here in Virginia Beach 4 inches is a big deal. And to defend the great city of Virginia Beach, we got a lot of ice and the roads were slippy slidey for a few days. On top of that...I have been S-I-C-K SICK! So, the first half of the week was shot because of "bad" weather, and the last half I fell victim to the awful virus that's going around. If you have this virus I'm so sorry, it's miserable. I was barely able to lift my head up for two days. BLAH! Anywho… after all that crazy drama I returned to my yoga happy place finally.

So let's talk about yoga shall we? You know how something comes up and you get out of your routine of going to the gym or working out? That didn't happen to me. I couldn't wait to get back on my mat! It felt so amazing to sweat out all the icky germs and stretch my stagnant muscles after 3 loooooong days of practically bed rest.

My last blog I talked a lot about fear, so as you know I'm a scared person. I'm trying not to be but sometimes the fear creeps up on me. (For example, I had an AMAZING experience at a yoga workshop last saturday, but I'm not ready to write about it yet.) Today I want to talk about life. My AMAZING Sunday (and soon to be Tuesday!) instructor Jodi always says at the end of class "this is not a dress rehearsal, you only get one life, live it to it's fullest." Today that really struck a nerve. She's absolutely right! What are we/you waiting for!? What are we/you putting off because you think you have all the time in the world? I thought it was ironic because yesterday my husband randomly asked me "if you died today how would you feel?" I told him I would feel cheated. I had a laundry list of reasons why but the point is, there's too much left to see. I have to see my sons graduate, get married, have babies, the list goes on and on. He told me he feels the opposite of me. That makes sense because he lives his life the way everyone should. He lives everyday to the fullest and doesn't take one minute for granted. So the lesson is this…. tomorrow is not promised. If we're lucky enough to see it, we need to do as much living as we possibly can. Do the things you want to do, try new things, tell people how you feel about them, ignore piles of dishes and laundry to make cookies with your kids, and know when you go to sleep each night that you lived as much as you could in that day. By then you'll be so tired from all that livin' you'll probably have the best night sleep of your life. :) So tonite, as I wind down for a good nights sleep I want to say thank you. Thank you Matt and Jodi for the reminder that this is not a dress rehearsal. I will make a daily decision not to let fear keep me from living life to the fullest.

1 John 4:18

Happy Saturday my sweet friends. I hope ya'll are having a really good day. It's a typical, loud, crazy, full of smiles, and love start of the weekend here at Casa de Wadleigh.

I want to talk about fear today. I'm so sick of being afraid of everything. I'm sick of walking into a room and feeling small and insecure, I'm sick of wanting to do things but knowing in my heart that I won't because I'm too scared. And not just scared of what I would be doing, I'm scared of every aspect of it. Walking into a room full of people I don't know, looking like an idiot, feeling judged, ect. So here's where I really face my fears. I'm going to list some of my biggest fears. I'm doing this so hopefully I'll go back and read them and realize how insignificant and ridiculous they are. I'm scared that someone will mention something to do or go to, and I go and the person who asked me was only asking to be polite. Why do I feel like this? Why is it so hard for me to believe that someone would ask me to do something or go somewhere because they genuinely want me to be included?

I can be a really judgmental person. I'm not at all proud of that, and I'm really working on it. I don't like to feel judged, and I truly believe that nobody is any better or worse then anybody else, yet still I have awful moments where I'm judgmental. Obviously, this is why I'm so afraid I'm being judged. I am most offended by negative traits of others because I know I have the same traits. I don't hate other people when these traits surface, I  hate myself because when I see other people do it, I realize how it makes people feel, and the hurt it can cause. This needs to stop.

The point of this blog was to document my yoga journey. I assumed every blog post would be about poses, and frustrations about my strength (or lack there of) Here's what I'm learning, yoga makes you look at yourself in ways that you may not want to. When you quiet yourself and push all the "surface" things away the real stuff begins to show. Today my fear is smacking me right in the face. And I want it to go away. I want to be able to walk in a room and be confident. I want to be in a conversation and only stop talking when the conversation is over, not because my head is telling me "okay Holly, they're were only being polite, they're not really interested." I want to try any new thing or experience and not give a shit about if I look stupid or may not be perfect at it. And most importantly, I want to be able to write stuff like this and not be afraid to post it because I'm afraid of what people might say or think.

I read a quote the other day that really stuck with me. It said "I used to walk into a room and wonder if the people there liked me, now I walk in and wonder if I like them." I'm not sure I want to strive to get to that point because it seems a little cold to me. I want to love everyone I come in contact with until they give me reason not to, and then if and when they give me a reason not to I want to be so filled with love and compassion that forgiveness overcomes any hurt or pain they may have caused and any fear that they will do it again.

No questions. (for once)

Thursday is my favorite day of the week. I take two yoga classes, they are completely different. My morning class is gentle, restorative, and perfect for easing into my day. Tara, the instructor for Thursday morning is the one who taught me to take my practice and apply it to daily life. To carry my yoga posture throughout my day, to keep a calm, settling breath whenever I get stressed or tense. I've seen such a difference since I've applied these lessons to my life. Don't misunderstand, all my wonderful instructors teach this, but for some reason on Thursdays I really hone in on that lesson. Here's my theory, while Thursday isn't the hardest class physically, it's where I really look inside and focus on what is going on internally. Now that I'm thinking of it, my Thursday night class does that too. I guess they are a little similar in that respect. Although, Thursday night is a pretty challenging class physically.

A month or two ago I went to a class that changed me completely. It seemed like a normal class, like any other I take. I ended up setting my mat up next to a woman who was pregnant. Okay, first of all, I looked more pregnant then she did. Second of all, she was flinging limbs around like she was boneless. I wish I could say I watched her in awe and admiration, but I didn't. I watched her and fear, jealousy, and inadequacy washed over me like a wave. At one point, the instructor told us what to do, I looked at her, and started crying. "I can't do that" I said and I pointed at her. It was not a good yoga day. But here's the strange thing, in the beginning of the same class the instructor was guiding us through getting settled in and he taught me something I have used in every yoga class since. He said "if you're having trouble quieting your mind say the word 'let' on the inhale and 'go' on the exhale."

When I first started practicing, I had a really hard time understanding things that I thought were the most basic. "pause at the bottom of the breath" "breath into the dark places" "feel the feeling of being in a body." I know now that these are the most challenging things to do in yoga (and in life for that matter.) We are in our bodies everyday. We are alive, but how many of us really feel what it is to be in a body? To appreciate every breath we take, to take pleasure if we feel pain because it means we are alive? To walk with confidence and pride because we have the ability to stand on two feet. This is what it's about. Love yourself and "let go of anything that no longer serves you."

I had an amazing morning and I'm so excited I get to go to another class tonight. I've noticed a trend that after every class I usually have a question about form or how to perfect a pose. Today I have no questions. I'll get there.

As of right now, here's what I learned today. "When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety. If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me and without any pain. From this I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me, and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it." -Rumi.

Enjoying the quiet……for once.

My life is loud. I live with 3 very loud boys. They are my source of joy, and one of the biggest reasons I smile but they are just so unbelievably loud! I'm sure one day a long, long time from now I'm going to be so sad that my house is quiet. I try so hard to not take any second with them for granted, but some days I just need some quiet. Today is one of those days. My wonderful Husband, Matt has both boys at Masons wrestling practice. He's so great, the house was quiet enough for me to get my schoolwork done just in time to watch American Idol!

Today was a long, busy day. We got some great news about our Sweet Simon, turns out it looks like we have his heart stuff under control. Or getting there anyway.

Now… as for the yoga of it all…. what an amazing yoga day! I'm sure you're not, but Jen if you're reading this… THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

You know when you're at a concert watching someone you absolutely LOVE, and you're taking a video with your phone, and your torn because you want to have the video so bad so you can go back to that moment whenever you want, but you want to be in the moment and enjoy it. That's how I feel sometimes at yoga. My instructors say the most amazing things, and I want to remember them so I can write about them but I get so caught up on my mat, I never remember. I just leave with a feeling that God put the words in my ears that I needed to hear that day. This is the message I got today… "When you're fighting against it, that's your ego." Translation: if you're straining to get into or stay in a pose because you modified, take it back. You'll get there eventually. It doesn't have to be today.YES! My stupid ego needs to take a short walk off a long pier. I'm done fighting against it, in all things. I'll get there eventually, it doesn't have to be today. Maybe one day I'll be able to wrap myself up like a pretzel, but today I can't, and that's ok… because my ego can go f itself!

Seeking the truth

Hello my friends! It's been awhile since I blogged. This past week was a little crazy. We had an emergency with our Boston Terrier Simon. The diagnosis is, he's in congestive heart failure. :( He is doing much better but we spent all morning Friday at the vet. He's on a couple different prescriptions and it seems to have done the trick. As cheesy as this sounds, after the sad, scary Friday thinking the worst possible scenario about my sweet Simon, all I wanted to do was have some really good family time. So that's what we did for the rest of the weekend.

I had the last two weeks off of school for winter break. I SWORE I was going to get some work done in those two weeks so I would be a week ahead of schedule. Yeah, procrastination got the best of me. I had three assignments due yesterday and I did two of them yesterday… oops :) Oh well, they got done right!?

Lets get to the yoga. Here's the classes I've been to since my last blog:
Gentle on Thursday morning
Move2Still on Thursday night
                                                      Beginner on Sunday
                                                      Yoga for EveryBody today.

I love each class I go to for different reasons. Each class offers its own benefits and each instructor encourages me in a way that only that specific instructor can. Whether it's with a small encouraging smile, a gentle nudge deeper into a pose, or by letting me know that I've come a long way and to never give up. I was thinking the other day, I used to run fairly regularly. I HATED running while I was doing it, but after I felt amazing. With yoga, I feel amazing during, after, and before. The lessons I'm learning in my classes follow me in my daily life. Yoga lessons can be applied to all things.  I feel stronger, and I feel more secure and comfortable. I catch myself holding myself a little taller, and walking with a purpose. I'm really digging this journey so far. I'm happy being where I am right now and know that I'll get to new places when the time is right. Here's the downside, I'm becoming mildly obsessive. I take six classes in five days. That's a good obsession right?

Here's the question of the day to all my yogis who may be reading this:
I love practicing yoga, but what should I be reading? I find myself craving being able to talk to people about yoga. I want to know EVERYTHING. I've been trying to do some of my own research but it's pretty overwhelming. Any suggestions???? Oh! And here's another question for my yogis out there… are my questions annoying? Tell me the truth, I can take it.

Adventures in Hot Yoga

Today was a big day in my journey. I went to my first every Hot Yoga class! I'll get to the details in a second, but first I'm totally jazzed because I LOVED it. Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday are the only days I don't have a regular class I go to. I get to cross Wednesday off that list! 

Now, let me start this with a disclaimer… there will be a lot of patting myself on the back in this post. If that annoys you, you should probably stop reading now. 

I KILLED it! I was so nervous going into the class. I was sure it was going to be so hard that I was going to get frustrated and leave halfway through. I was convinced I was going to have all the same insecurities, and negative thoughts that usually come up. I didn't have any of that! It was unbelievable! 

I think one of the things that really helped me was going in there thinking "you're going to be the least experienced person in there. take modifications if you need to, rest, and use props." I SHOULD be going into every yoga class thinking that, it made all the difference. With the help of a block I was able to do this: 

(Obviously this isn't me in this picture!) 

Today my instructor was Jen. She is awesome. She answered every annoying question I had before, and during class. She talked a lot at the beginning of class about how fear is what stops us. It's so true. I can't imagine how different life would be if we didn't let fear stop us. Today, I didn't let fear stop me. I fell, wobbled, and my post baby gut got in the way, but I also did some really amazing stuff and tried things I would've previously convinced myself were impossible. Today was a victory in my yoga world. :) 

Here's a question for my fellow yogis who may be reading this…. We were working on rabbit pose towards the end of class. Most of the class moved from rabbit to headstand. I rested in rabbit but on the top of my head to get used to holding weight on my head, in preparation for being able to do headstand. I got the weird sinus thing, it kind of felt like I got water up my nose. Anyone have this happen to them before? Just curious. 

Thanks for reading ya'll and remember: 

I have a secret…

Today I went to my usual Gentle yoga class. We had a substitute instructor. She was awesome! I'm sure she won't see this… but Katie… THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for an amazing class.

As challenging as yesterdays class was, today was the perfect restorative class. I didn't realize it, but I really needed a class like that. It was a lot of stretching, which was needed because I was a tiny (holy crap A LOT) sore after yesterdays class.


After class today I was lucky enough to go visit with a friend of mine who had just had a baby a few weeks ago. It was so nice to sit, relax, drink coffee and have some good girl time. If you're reading this Cara, thank you. I went there straight from yoga, which was at 830 in the morning… time got the better of us and before I knew it, it was after 1pm. When I realized the time, I had a brief moment of panic. The only productive thing I had done all day was make my bed. Then I realized, I was happy, content, and completely at peace. The dishwasher was still full when I got home, all the little projects I had on my to-do list were still there, and I completed all of them. It was so nice to let myself spend the morning doing what made me happy and not feel guilty about it. It was a really nice day. It was a perfect blend of working hard (both at yoga and at home) and taking time for me.

Now here's the big, scary, exciting, terrifying news… tomorrow I'm taking the plunge and going to hot yoga. EEEEKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wish me luck my friends, I have a feeling I'm going to need it. (What do you wear to hot yoga anyway?)

Confession

Okay ya'll, here it is… confession time. Sometimes I go to yoga just for Savasana. There I said it. Whew! I feel better now. :)

Today I went to a multi flow class. To say it was challenging is an understatement. But I did it. I tried my best to let go and not worry about what everyone else was doing. I need to work on being ok with where I'm at in my journey. I'm sure if I keep at it I'll get where I need to be. As a friend of mine said, "Rome wasn't built in a day." 

I got to class a little early and attempted to work on my headstand. Here's the challenge I'm having… I don't want to do it with anyone around cause I'm embarrassed that I can't do it, but I got afraid to do it alone in the room cause what if I fell and broke my neck?! I gave up after only one attempt and moved on to working on tree. I got my foot on my thigh when I did it up agains a wall. Mini victory! 

My personal hate of the day is the inadequacy that comes with challenging poses. For me, today, it was eagle pose… my body just does not bend in the way it's supposed to to get in that pose. I modified, and tried to let the insecurity of not doing it the way EVERYONE else in the room was doing it wash away. Insecurity got the best of me during shoulder stand… while having difficulty trying to get up, I'm not going to lie…. a couple of tears of frustration may have fell. I'm proud of how I dealt with it though… I wiped them away and tried again. Nailed it! 

The lesson for today, keep going, never give up, and remember to breathe. 

CA-CAW- Calling all yogis…

 What's better then yoga??? Your yoga instructor walking into class and putting DMB on. Ms. Jodi most definitely did not disappoint today. Class was PACKED. My guess is a lot of people made resolutions to workout more.

I love yoga on Sundays, it sets a great tone for the whole week. I leave and I feel ready to conquer anything the week throws at me.

I tried to get my leg on my thigh during Tree Pose but I did not succeed. I'm going to try later leaning against a wall. I was going to stay after and work on my headstand but by the end of class the motivation to do it left.

I'm on day 5 of no smoking. It hasn't been too hard until now. Today, for some reason, it seems to be getting more difficult. (encouraging words appreciated.)

So yogis out there reading this… question for you. When I'm in pigeon, if I get down really low on my arms it feels like I'm leaning to the side. Is this normal? Is it better to stay on my palms and stay straight? Thanks in advance.

I had an overwhelming thought during class today. I need a "real" yoga person to come up to me and say "I was fat too, keep with it and you'll get where you want to be." I really want to believe that is true, I'm just not there yet. I'm going to get there right? Anyone?

This week I have  3 more classes I'm definitely going to, I'm going to try to go to 1 a day. I need to find a class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'll keep you posted, and any inlet people reading this, suggestions are appreciated. I've been toying with the idea of trying warm yoga. I'll report back if I go.

I hope ya'll are enjoying your weekend. MUAH!

New Year, New Challenges

This year in lieu of a New Years resolution I decided to do something different. In the past I would declare that I was going to quit smoking, or lose weight but that never really worked out for me. This year I decided to document my yoga journey. 

I started practicing yoga a few months ago. Self admittedly I used to be very anti yoga. I just didn't get it. I couldn't get out of my head and quiet my mind. I tried a few classes a few years ago. I was sitting there surrounded by all these "real" yoga people running through my grocery list, planning my weekend, and thinking about what I had going on later that day. I wanted so much to like yoga. These "real" yoga people seemed to be on to something. It was like they all knew the answer to some secret question I wasn't privy to. 

Last September I got a notification that the gym by me was offering a free month for Military. In the interest of getting as much out of my free month as possible I decided to give yoga another try. Something was different this time.  Fast forward to the end of September, I was hooked and signed a year long contract with the gym.

I regularly take four classes a week, and try to pop in to a few more if I have the time. The instructors for the classes I take are pretty amazing, and I'm sure their names will pop up here now and again. (I already spoke to them and cleared the use of their names.) 

I've learned alot in the few months I've been practicing. I have a few specific goals to work towards. The first is a perfect yoga headstand. I have an irrational fear of breaking my neck and am terrified to be upside down, so this will be a challenge. The second is to be able to get my leg on my thigh for tree pose, this one seems a little bit more attainable then the headstand. I also want to work on meditation and quieting my mind in order to hear more clearly. I'm sure the universe is putting out all kinds of good stuff and I'm missing it because I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts. 

Here's the deal, I'm not a skinny girl. I've had two babies, and you can definately tell when you look at me. I don't have a "yoga body." I don't know if that's a real thing, but what I can tell you is when I get into certain poses (or asanas for those in the know) things get in the way... like my post baby gut. There I said it. But despite all that, I'm still going to try, and work as hard as I can. 

So, here's to a great year ya'll. I'm going to put these words out into the great big nowhere. I hope someone reads them and likes what I have to say. Namaste friends :)