I want to talk about fear today. I'm so sick of being afraid of everything. I'm sick of walking into a room and feeling small and insecure, I'm sick of wanting to do things but knowing in my heart that I won't because I'm too scared. And not just scared of what I would be doing, I'm scared of every aspect of it. Walking into a room full of people I don't know, looking like an idiot, feeling judged, ect. So here's where I really face my fears. I'm going to list some of my biggest fears. I'm doing this so hopefully I'll go back and read them and realize how insignificant and ridiculous they are. I'm scared that someone will mention something to do or go to, and I go and the person who asked me was only asking to be polite. Why do I feel like this? Why is it so hard for me to believe that someone would ask me to do something or go somewhere because they genuinely want me to be included?
I can be a really judgmental person. I'm not at all proud of that, and I'm really working on it. I don't like to feel judged, and I truly believe that nobody is any better or worse then anybody else, yet still I have awful moments where I'm judgmental. Obviously, this is why I'm so afraid I'm being judged. I am most offended by negative traits of others because I know I have the same traits. I don't hate other people when these traits surface, I hate myself because when I see other people do it, I realize how it makes people feel, and the hurt it can cause. This needs to stop.
The point of this blog was to document my yoga journey. I assumed every blog post would be about poses, and frustrations about my strength (or lack there of) Here's what I'm learning, yoga makes you look at yourself in ways that you may not want to. When you quiet yourself and push all the "surface" things away the real stuff begins to show. Today my fear is smacking me right in the face. And I want it to go away. I want to be able to walk in a room and be confident. I want to be in a conversation and only stop talking when the conversation is over, not because my head is telling me "okay Holly, they're were only being polite, they're not really interested." I want to try any new thing or experience and not give a shit about if I look stupid or may not be perfect at it. And most importantly, I want to be able to write stuff like this and not be afraid to post it because I'm afraid of what people might say or think.
I read a quote the other day that really stuck with me. It said "I used to walk into a room and wonder if the people there liked me, now I walk in and wonder if I like them." I'm not sure I want to strive to get to that point because it seems a little cold to me. I want to love everyone I come in contact with until they give me reason not to, and then if and when they give me a reason not to I want to be so filled with love and compassion that forgiveness overcomes any hurt or pain they may have caused and any fear that they will do it again.
Awesome blog post, Holly! I'm glad that you are finding Yoga so helpful in all aspects of your life. You have actually inspired me to check out some Yoga classes in my area and I'm so excited to get started!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that, while it is important to explore your faults and work to be better, it is also important not to be so hard on yourself! You are an amazing, selfless woman who has so very much to offer the world! Make sure that you acknowledge your positive traits and celebrate them. Don't just focus on the negative! :) Love you!